Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
Q: Why did the farmer call his pig “Ink”?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A. Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Are You Ready to Have Kids?
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your
hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego’s. (If Lego’s are not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a
friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk
to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best)
and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep
them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug
swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops
or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an
airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8
- 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to
waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your
alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to
the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on
the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read
it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience,
tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.