One day a newly-married couple was sitting on a Colombo-bound train. Although there were many other young men and women on the train, everybody was looking at them. Those who were looking at them did not translate their thoughts into words but they seem to be saying: “How can an extremely beautiful woman get married to an ugly-looking burly man who appeared to be an ex-athlete.” The couple did not seem to gel.
Is there a mysterious force that drives us into the arms of one person while pushing us away from another who may be more desirable and friendly? What are the factors that influence our idea of the perfect mate? This is not an easy question to answer even if you have mastered the law of attraction. John Money, a Professor Emeritus of Medical Psychology and Paediatrics in the United States says, “It is all due to our love map which is a group of messages encoded in our brain that describes our likes and dislikes. The love map shows our preferences in hair colour, the shape of the eyes, voice, body smell and build. Quite unknowingly, the brain has recorded all the details that appeal to us. It is the love map that decides whether you like someone who is friendly and strong or someone else who is strong and silent.
We fall for people whose features fit our love map. William Shakespeare called it love at first sight. In “As you Like It” Shakespeare says:
No sooner met but they
looked; no sooner looked but
they loved; no sooner
loved but they sighed,
no sooner sighed but
they asked one another
the reason.
Love map
Although some of us depend heavily on love at first sight, our love map is largely determined in our childhood. As children we try to select those who match our expectations. Some children love girls who look like their mothers. Girls may like boys who look like their fathers. Apart from looks, we collect other details such as complexion, height, build, intelligence, warmth, and friendliness. A young adult can easily use his love map to select his ideal partner.
In an informal research I asked some couples why they liked each other. The answers I received range from “She’s quite strong and independent, I like his way of walking, she has a sense of humour, he is a neat no-nonsense man” to “I loved the way she smiled.” They were genuine sentiments and I had no reason to disbelieve them. However, if I had asked the same question about their mothers and fathers, they would have given me similar answers.
Our likes and dislikes are mostly fashioned by our parents and teachers. While I was in Grade V I had a young good-looking teacher. She loved children and sang with them. She made an indelible effect on my love map. When I asked a married woman whether she loved her mate, she said, “Yes, of course.” When I asked her why she loved him, she said “Oh, he is just like my father.”
Our mothers and fathers are the first real love of our lives. Then we extend the circle to include our teachers. A significant portion of our love map includes those who loved us genuinely without expecting anything in return.
Centre of attraction
For a mother her child becomes the centre of attraction. A child plays a major role in his parents’ world. As a result children invariably absorb certain indelible characteristics and impressions from their parents. Most children are attracted to mother figures and father figures when they grow up. If your mother was a warm and generous person, you would naturally be attracted to such women. If your father was a god-fearing honest man, you would be attracted to a male who has such qualities.
The mother feeds the child’s body and soul. She would give clues to what to look for in a mate in adult life. She also teaches the child how to feel about women generally. All mothers are not warm and nice. Some of them are belligerent and ready to kick up a row at any moment. Young children tend to think that all women are just like their mothers.
Once I asked a confirmed bachelor why he did not get married. He said he was scared of women because his mother treated his father like a leper.
Just like mothers, fathers too exert a great influence on children to create their love map. Fathers influence their daughters’ feelings about men. If a father treats his daughter as someone precious, she will feel good about all men. However, if the father is a critical person, the daughter will treat herself as someone not attractive.
Opposites attract
I have often heard that opposites attract. Sometimes this can happen. Although most of us want a mirror image of ourselves, we do not succeed in finding such mates. Some people, however, never want to get married to someone with similar qualities. For instance, an aggressive man would marry a woman of pleasant manners. She would simply listen to her husband’s harsh words without a whimper. Similarly, a woman who is proud of her wealth or beauty would marry a poor man of simple manner.
Sometimes, partners belonging to different communities and religions get married. Some of them live happily Then there are couples who do not seem to match physically. If a man marries a woman who is much taller than he is, they will be branded as an odd couple. But such odd couples also live happily. Then you may have seen well-built handsome men getting married to unusually plain wallflowers. Psychologists call such a marriage a trade-off, while others call it the equity theory.
Men and women have their own assets and liabilities. Beauty is an asset to a woman. Wealth is an asset to a man. A poor but beautiful woman may marry an ugly-looking wealthy man. Similarly, a highly-learned but a frail-looking man will marry an unusually beautiful woman. In such marriages men and women try to trade off their assets and liabilities.
Arranged marriages
With all our learning and exposure to psychology and literature, some people still find it difficult to find partners. Most of them advertise their assets carefully hiding their liabilities. Newspapers are full of such marriage proposals. Others seek the services of match-makers who will put together two prospective partners and profit from both sides. However, a feeling of love at first sight is absent in arranged marriages.
I happened to be one of those struck by the magic wand. On a Vesak full moon day a friend invited me to go with him to see a pandal. We were in our 20s bubbling with energy and radiance. He said, “Look at that girl standing there with her mother.” When I turned my head our eyes met – hers and mine. We experienced a love that Eric Fromm called a “feeling of fusion, of oneness.”