You may have read or heard much about the art of love and finding a mate.
Erich Fromm in his stimulating book “The art of loving” says, “Modern man’s happiness consists in the thrill of looking at shop windows, and in buying all that he can afford either for cash or on instalments. He looks at people in a similar way. For the man an attractive girl – and for the woman an attractive man – are the prizes they are after.”
We are on the threshold of the 21st century. Our way of thinking has undergone drastic changes. We do not fall in love with everybody. Similarly, people expect many qualities in a mate more than physical attractiveness.
What do people everywhere want most in a mate? You may not find the answers in “The art of loving.” To fill the vacuum a new science has come up with surprising answers to many of our problems relating to finding a mate. The new science is sometimes referred to as “Sexual chemistry.”
Scientists have been trying to find answers to the wexing question: Why do men and women act as they do in selecting a mate? As in any other science you may not be able to reach definite conclusions. However, it is worthwhile to have a look at the sexual chemistry or the law of attraction.
Evolutionary psychologists
Finding a mate is as old as the human race. We have images of brute cavemen dragging their mates by the hair. However, a new crop of evolutionary psychologists disagree with such a view. They say our distant ancestors probably engaged themselves in a sophisticated mating dance of sexual intrigue. In fact this ancient legacy has influenced everything from sexual attraction to infidelity and jealousy.
Today most young men and women take part in a dance, a legacy from their ancestors. At social gatherings, universities, workplaces, and in their immediate neighbourhood men and women perform an elaborate ritual of advertisement and assessment that precedes an essential part of life, i.e. mating.
There is nothing wrong in doing so. If you look at it closely, people typically choose mates who resemble themselves in build and intelligence. A young man may not choose a girl who is taller than him. Similarly most men look for intelligent partners, not necessarily having high academic qualifications.
David Buss, an evolutionary psychologist, did a survey of more than 10,000 people in 37 cultures in six continents to find out what attracts men and women in choosing a mate. According to his survey, most men expect physical attractiveness in women, but women are more concerned with a man’s social status and wealth. If you glance through the marriage proposal columns in newspapers, you will find the above facts to be true.
Biological challenges
The mating preferences have evolved over the centuries in response to the biological challenges faced by men and women in producing children.
The success of mating was measured by the production of children. Robert Trivers, an eminent evolutionary biologist, says women spend more time and energy in reproduction and child-rearing than their male counterparts.
Biologically, human infants need greater nurturing and protection than animals. Therefore, women usually look for a mate who is physically and financially strong to help them in child rearing. Today even employed women look for mates whose financial status is stable. As a result, if a man has no income, he will find it difficult to find a matching mate.
On the other hand, even men look for a woman’s reproductive success in marriage. However, the success of fertility may depend on either party. Still an average man wants to marry a good-looking healthy woman.
According to evolutionary psychologists, modern man’s sense of beauty depends on the woman’s complexion, bright eyes and youthful appearance. Many young men love curvaceous figures. Research by psychologist Devendra Singh reveals that people consistently judge a woman’s figure by the ratio of waist to hips. The ideal proportion appears to be that the hips should be roughly a third larger than the waist. It reflects a woman’s hormonal balance and her higher fertility and resistance to disease.
Compatibility quotient
Psychologist Glenn Wilson of London’s Institute of Psychiatry, however, believes that such attraction will not last. To help couples find out if they are well suited, he has developed the Compatibility Quotient (CQ) Test, which rates your and your partner’s attitudes on 25 factors that cover everything from exotic food, religion and chivalry to sexual experience. They are supposed to be the tipping points in a relationship but hard to assess when you first get to know each other.
There are two categories of men: ‘cads’ and ‘dads.’ Cads are irresponsible and uncaring men who are not committed to a relationship. Dads are committed and nurturing men who value chastity and fidelity. Cads usually exhibit their sexuality, but dads desire for long-term commitments. Most women have the sixth sense or the intuition to differentiate between cads and dads.
Until you get married you are always on the search for a life-time partner. Some women look for short-term mates and they prefer attractive men. Men also look for attractive females for short-term commitments. However, both men and women usually settle for less attractive partners when it comes to marriage. Throughout human evolution, men have followed a dual mating strategy. Their main task was to find a fertile, healthy and attractive woman for a long-term relationship.
However, some men while having a committed relationship do not remain faithful to their mates. In simple terms, they tend to have extra-marital affairs frowned upon by religions and cultures. Most women, however, remain faithful to their husbands and they are not ready to break their marital bonds. If not for them, the human race would have suffered many untold disasters.
Extra-marital affairs
Occasionally we hear married women having affairs. If they do so it may be due to different evolutionary reasons. According to Buss and Schmitt’s study, there are some women who love short-term flings in exchange for resources.
On rare occasions women in committed relationships might be attracted to men to secure healthier genes for their offspring. Such infidelities can breed anger and hurt.
According to research, jealousy has its roots in the ancient past. Researcher Buss found that men reacted furiously when they came to know that their mates were unfaithful. But women react differently. They get very angry when they find their mates developing an emotional attachment to someone else.
Today evolutionary psychologists and biologists tell us that jealousy stems from men’s and women’s biology. For the average man paternity is not always a certainty. As a result, he suspects his mate’s sexual fidelity. Married women are more worried about their husband’s emotional infidelity than their physical involvements.
Men and women are active players in the mating game. According to evolutionary psychologists, there are no winners in the mating game. Everything settles down to compromise. Apart from the psychological aspect of the mating game, it is influenced by religion and culture.
Accordingly, our mating preferences are not really based on good looks, fame or wealth, but on kindness and intelligence. Still the law of attraction plays a major role in finding your life-partner.