Brain chemistry’s impact on marriage | Sunday Observer

Brain chemistry’s impact on marriage

21 March, 2021

Men always want to be a woman’s first love - women like to be a man’s last romanceOscar Wilde

When Dr John Gray wrote “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” he emphasised the fact that men and women are not made for each other. However, most men and women get married and some of them live happily for many decades. Does it mean that we have found a way to outsmart our DNA and live happily ever after?

Philosophy and religion have dealt with marriage from different perspectives. Today science – particularly psychology – has probed marriage to find ways and means for people to live happily.

New brain science shows that a married couple can work towards their own good. However, intimacy between a man and a woman can be bonded by marriage and ended in divorce. Many marriages in the affluent West crumble down because the couples have not mastered the changing stages of marriage.

This is because of the natural responses from the human brain that take place during a period of intimacy.

Those who can deal with the natural responses effectively will be able to save their marriage from divorce proceedings.

Those who fail to do so will lead to a break in marriage. Scientists have already studied the brains of men and women after marriage or lifelong partnership in order to find a key to a lasting marriage.

Falling in love is quite exciting. When two lovers meet their pheromones – chemical signals that work through their senses – are very high.

When they look at or kiss each other, their separate male and female minds become one. Both men and women have certain irritating behavioural patterns. However, the high levels of oxytocin are powerful enough to hide them. They say, “Love is blind.”

Lovers do not see the faults and blemishes pertaining to each other. According to psychologists, it is called ‘lovers’ bliss’ which gives birth to a new biological stage of their relationship.

Heraclitus

When you are in love everything goes well. However, as Heraclitus said everything is in a flux. After some time, cracks begin to appear in their romantic relationship. This is due to certain changes in their brain chemistry and hormones. Suddenly, their thinking brain, known as the cerebral cortex, tells them that there are some flaws in each partner. Then the fireworks begin. You get angry with your partner on flimsy grounds and you see them as signs of irritation. If you are already married, you begin to wonder whether you have made a wrong decision.

At this stage marriage partners begin to go their own ways. The husband no longer gets excited when he sees his wife. She feels rejected when he makes no romantic advances towards her. The husband also begins to wonder what has happened to his wife. She is no longer a pleasing sight. Then they start living together because of their children. Both the husband and wife wonder what has gone wrong in their marriage.

The couple fails to realise that their early stages of courtship have dissipated due to brain chemicals. At this stage the husband wonders why he got married to such a woman. The wife also feels that she has been cheated. At this time any marriage can break down unless the partners are aware of the real causes. They should realise that their differences have come to the surface as a result of the changing brain chemicals. What is more, a man’s and a woman’s brains are differently wired. As a result, they think differently.

Alluring self

During the next stage, the husband tries to bring back his wife to her former alluring self. He forgets that she has undergone many changes in her brain. Meanwhile the wife also tries to bring back her husband’s former self as a lover.

She also forgets that he too has undergone many changes in brain chemicals. If they do not know the real cause, they will try to dominate each other leading to a power struggle in the family. Couples usually undergo such a crisis in their 40s. Sometime we call it midlife crisis. If they realize that their strange behaviour is due to changing brain chemicals, they will be able to save the marriage.

We cherish our romantic years but romance like everything else does not last forever. When romance ebbs, partners begin to engage themselves in independent activities with their friends. According to scientists, their change of behaviour is mainly due to hormones such as testosterone and oestrogen.

If you can survive the power struggle period, marriage can be saved. Then the couple enters a new period in which marital love can be restored. When you reach this stage, your children have grown up and they have their own romantic relationships. Now the husband and wife begin to understand who they are. When they finally discover each other fairly well, something strange will happen to the marriage.

Having enjoyed romance and undergone disillusionment and power struggle, the man and woman begin to understand the reality of marriage.

They forget their weaknesses and differences and begin to merge into a new relationship. They change their attitudes towards each other and try to maintain harmony at home. The husband is no longer irritated by his wife’s behaviour and vice versa.

Maturity makes men to realise that women are right in their thinking. Women also realise the value of their husbands. They resolve their arguments amicably.

What is more, they begin to appreciate each other’s eccentricities and differences. Finally, they realise that there is no purpose in fighting because their feelings and attitudes have changed over time due to brain chemistry.

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