“How have you managed to stay married for so long?” a woman in her 30s asked a man who had lived with his wife for 60 years. Her question puzzled him because he had thought that marriage was fashionable again. On second thought he realised that getting married has made a comeback, but staying married for a long time remains a problem. In the meantime, young people think that couples stay married for a long time because of their lack of imagination.
The high divorce rate across many countries including Sri Lanka shows that lasting marriages are few and far between. However, all marriages do not end up in divorce. In many parts of the world, there are very old couples whose marriages remain intact despite economic and psychological problems. Against such a backdrop all married couples should focus on the positives on why marriages succeed rather than why they fail.
If you approach marriage with a positive perspective, you are likely to stay married as long as you live. If you manage to live with your spouse for at least 15 years, your marriage is likely to continue. After screening, I interviewed several married couples intensively. Most of them spoke about their struggles and problems related to children. Although they had faced many difficulties, they admitted that they enjoyed emotional bliss in marriage. In general, the couples belonged to the lower middle class and they had chosen to stay married not because they felt they had to, but because marriage was very important to them.
Secrets
With my close association with such married couples I found some secrets of lasting marriages. Instead of calling them secrets, we may refer to them as abilities or attitudes that maintain a lasting marriage. For a happy and lasting marriage, husband and wife should live together as far as possible. At a time we are faced with economic and social problems this may not be possible for many couples. Today, many husbands and wives are working abroad. Their intention is to educate their children and build a house or buy a motorcar. Though such couples are in touch via video calls, they are living away from each other. When you live together you can devote some time for an evening walk or do some household tasks together.
There is a kind of sexual electricity between spouses. Many couples agreed that sex is a major part of marriage, but it is not the core of marriage. As one husband put it, “Sex isn’t everything in a marriage, but it means a lot.” More than having sex, couples learn the art of handling conflicts when they live together. In later years, they will have a wealth of fond memories and good feelings.
Partners in a long-lasting marriage begin to learn that they do not have the same interests. The husband would like to read a novel while the wife prefers to watch television. Sharing interests is less important than sharing values. Those who value religion consider it as the strongest bond in their lives. Sometimes couples quarrel over money. Some husbands are extravagant while their wives are thrifty. However, on important domestic issues they can come to a compromise.
Change is inevitable in marriage when children get married and leave home. Parents grow old and suffer from many physical ailments. Such events can bring about anxiety. Couples who stay together will be able to make constant decisions and alterations. After some time, they face midlife crisis. During such times, marriages go on the rocks. Those who live together are capable of adjusting to changing circumstances.
If you wish to have a lasting marriage, your family should be uppermost in your mind. In order of priority, place your spouse and children first and other matters last. Those who had managed to live together for long years would have faced many physical and social changes. Those who remain flexible can pick up what is useful to them and incorporate new ideas in their lives.
Victims of fate
Partners in a happy marriage do not consider themselves as victims of fate, but as free agents. They are willing to change to keep the marriage alive. Sensible partners do not expect perfection. You will hardly meet a perfect husband or wife. Spouses should accept qualities in their partners that they do not necessarily like. It is always better to have a husband or wife who thinks differently. Variety is the spice of life.
No marriage is free from problems. There will always be unresolved conflicts in any marriage. But sensible partners do not fight over such issues and go about their lives. They focus more on the strengths of the marriage than dissonances. As one husband told me, “You have to know when to holler and when to look away.”
In the real world, nothing lasts forever. However, the concept that marriages last forever is a philosophical idea. When you get married never think of divorce as a viable option. When you do so genuinely, your marriage will last forever. The partners should be committed to the marriage as well as to each other. Love needs some time to take root and expand.
Mutual trust in marriage is a vital element. Love may wax and wane even in a successful marriage. However, trust will remain constant. Trust in marriage will give you security and much needed comfort. Trust is the basis of marital intimacy. When you trust each other, marital bliss will emerge. In a typical marriage, you are committed to monogamy which presupposes exclusivity. In an open marriage, you will not find exclusivity in any form.
Couples in a lasting marriage create history. They will have their own stories, ups and downs, successes and failures. They have their own likes and dislikes, but they respect each other for what they are. The years they spend together are more valuable than all the wealth they have collected. Even with loads of trust and flexibility, you will need a little bit of luck to keep a marriage going. You are lucky if you happen to choose the ideal partner. Some people do not believe in luck, but it is an attitude like chance. Those who stay married for several decades are lucky sons and daughters on this planet.
