Some children are fighting among themselves while their parents do not take any notice. Should you advise the parents on how to bring up children?
Two colleagues are having a bitter argument over a promotion. Should you offer some advice?
While on vacation, you hear a couple arguing about how to find a tourist destination. If you are a tourist guide, will you offer them some advice?
In all such situations most of us are ready to offer advice. We forget that words of wisdom are sometimes unwelcome. If you look at it critically, many people do not expect advice – even when they ask for it. Some time ago, a president of a developing country had more than 50 advisors. Some of them had not even met the president. According to psychologist David Waters, director of a family stress clinic in the United States, what they really need is corroboration, feedback and support – not advice.
Guidelines
Does it mean that we should resist any impulse to give advice? Not necessarily. Just be sure that your brain is in gear before your mouth is in motion. That means each situation demands careful thought and judgment. It is always good to know when to offer advice and when to back off. To do this properly, psychologists have offered some guidelines.
The guiding principle is that as a result of your intervention, the other person will feel good about themselves. Therefore, if you wish to settle a family dispute, tread carefully. If the issue is infidelity, the parties involved may decide whether to put up with it or leave. Whatever you say in the form of advice will not be heeded.
Before giving advice, gauge whether the person you advise is ready to hear what you say. Instead of offering any advice, make an observation such as “I see that you are worried over something. Do you wish to talk about it?”
A good idea is to knock before entering somebody else’s psyche. In the first place, ask permission to offer feedback and suggestions. If the answer is no, that is the end of it. If the subject is office politics, such as someone’s prospects for promotion, make sure that you have a reason to trespass. If you are a complete outsider, nobody will listen to you. Therefore, ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by getting involved. Avoid giving unsolicited advice.
If you wish to advise someone, do not feel superior to the other person. Instead you can be extra sensitive to the issue. People will naturally resent your superior stance. Be careful even when you advise a lost tourist. Do not allow room for him to assume that he is ignorant. Psychologists say giving advice is a one-up, one-down situation.
If you wish to advise someone, choose the best time and place to do so. Never pipe up in a setting that may embarrass the other person. One day I saw an elderly man advising a bridegroom on how to put the tie-knot correctly. He probably did not know that there was more than one way to put the tie-knot.
The bridegroom would have felt embarrassed. Therefore, if you really wish to offer advice in such a delicate situation, use some qualifying phrases such as “In my experience ….” or “I can understand your problem …” Such a qualifying phrase will soften the impact of your advice. Another way to give advice on such occasions is to give the person a compliment before making your comments. People are receptive to such mild advice.
Sometimes, we lose our temper on certain occasions. Just because you cannot tolerate the behaviour of a fellow passenger, you have no right to comment on him. You may not approve of the way your friend is raising his children. Remember that raising children is his business, not yours. We have no inherent right to correct others. If the children happen to be at your house, you have a right to correct them.
One day, a visitor’s young son started messing with my laptop. I told him frankly that I did not like anyone messing with my laptop. On another day, one of my close friends started smoking. I politely told him not to smoke and he complied with my request.
Advising strangers
Take special care before advising strangers. However, if someone’s behaviour affects you adversely, you have every right to protest.
One day someone sitting next to me in a cinema started smoking which was prohibited. I quietly asked him not to smoke because I was unable to breathe. He complied with my request. Similarly, if your coworkers are making a noise, approach them cautiously and advise them not to do so.
Parents sometimes find it very difficult to discipline their children. On such occasions, let the children figure out a solution. As psychotherapist Melody Lowman says, “Children need to learn how to deal with life’s inevitable setbacks.”
Sometimes bosses ask their employees to do personal favours. One day, the head of a government department asked his secretary to pick up his dry-cleaned clothes from a laundry.
She resented the request but complied with it for fear of reprisals. However, one day she told her boss that he might not be aware of the impact of some of his requests on the staff.
Thereafter, he never asked her to do personal favours.
The idiom, ‘Mind your own business!’ reminds you that you should attend to your own affairs without concerning yourself with those of others.
It offers a piece of good advice. However, as discussed in the foregoing paragraphs, you have to know when to mind your own affairs. There are occasions when you have to step outside the limits and mind the affairs of others.
