I remember a popular radio cassette recorder known as “three-in-one”. It resembles the behavioural patterns we demonstrate in daily life. Essentially, we show the behaviour of three different persons, one at a time. This awesome threesome is something worth investigating from a managing perspective. Today’s column sheds light on this.
Overview
There is a “parent” in us, or a “child” in us or an “adult” in us. Let’s dig into psychology for details. Transactional Analysis is the term used by Eric Berne to cover this fascinating area of human behaviour. Berne was a Canadian-born US psychiatrist. He was influenced by Sigmund Freud’s work. Transactional Analysis has wide applications in clinical, therapeutic, organisational, and personal development, encompassing communications, management, personality, relationships, and behaviour.
Origins of “three in one”
People behave in multiple ways in demonstrating multiple roles. Among these diverse patterns, three key specialties can be seen. Eric Berne uses the term “ego state” to identify these.
An ego state can be a pattern of feelings, experiences, and behaviour. When we say, “part of me wants to,” we are talking about an ego state. When we say, “I feel at peace with myself on this issue,” we are talking about our ego states agreeing, not having an internal struggle. Our various states help to make our lives rich, productive, and enjoyable.
In Transactional Analysis (TA), we come across three ego states, Child, Parent, and Adult. Let’s see who they really are.
Parent, Adult and Child
Berne differentiated his Parent, Adult, and Child ego states from actual adults, parents, and children, by using capital letters when describing them. These ego-states may or may not represent the relationships that they act out. For example, in the workplace, an adult supervisor may take on the Parent role, and scold an adult employee as though they were a Child. Or a child, using their Parent ego-state, could scold their actual parent as though the Parent were a Child.
Parent
Parent is someone who commands and directs others. This is our ingrained voice of authority, absorbed conditioning, learning and attitudes from when we were young. We were conditioned by our real parents, teachers, older people, next door neighbours, aunts, and uncles.
Our Parent is made up of a huge number of hidden and overt recorded playbacks. Typically embodied by phrases and attitudes starting with ‘how to’, ‘under no circumstances’, ‘always’ and ‘never forget’, ‘don’t lie, cheat, or steal’. Our parents are formed by external events and influences upon us as we grow through early childhood. We can change it, but this is easier said than done.
This state can be either a critical and dominant parent or a nurturing parent. Common characteristics of the Parent ego-state can be summarised as follows:
Set limits
Disciplines, judges, and criticises
Gives advice and guidance
Keeps traditions and values
Makes rules (do’s, don’ts, always, never, should, shouldn’t, must, good, bad)
Child
Child is the one who expresses feelings freely. Our internal reaction and feelings to external events form the ‘Child’. This is the seeing, hearing, feeling, and emotional body of data within each of us. When anger or despair dominates reason, the Child is in control. Like our Parent we can change it, but it is no easier.
In a workplace, when someone is angrily shouting at another without any valid reason, it can be regarded as a typical demonstration of a Child ego state. The common features associated can be briefly listed as follows:
Loves
Hates
Has fun
Asks for help
Withdraws
Explores
Is curious
Emotional
Adult
An adult is the one who is rational and uses logic with facts. Our ‘Adult’ is our ability to think and determine action for ourselves, based on received data. The adult in us begins to form at around ten months old and is the means by which we keep our Parent and Child under control. If we are to change our Parents or Child, we must do so through our Adult. Interestingly Adult ego state has the ability to resort to Parent ego state when required. For example, a coach of a particular sport may shout at a player with a genuine intention to rectify him/her. The coach consciously plays the Parent ego state.
The key actions involved in the Adult ego-state can be summarised as follows:
Gathers information
Sorts out alternatives
Plans and Organises
Solves problems
Anticipates consequences
Thinks before acting
Evaluates parent and child
We can simply summarise the three-in-one using three key terms, taught, thought, and felt.
Parent is our ‘Taught’ concept of life
Adult is our ‘Thought’ concept of life
Child is our ‘Felt’ concept of life
Interestingly, when we blame our children stating that what they do now, we had never even intended to do during our childhood, we show what was “taught”. When an employee compares one’s performance rating with another and grumbles about it without a valid reason, he/she shows how one is “felt”. If a mature manager is his/her boss, and if he/she can logically convince the reason why he got a lover performance rating, the manager demonstrates the “thought” aspect.
Comparison of twin triples
It will be useful to compare what Eric Bern says in his TA with the seminal work by Sigmund Freud. Ego-states do not correspond directly to Sigmund Freud’s model but there are obvious parallels.
Perhaps Freud’s single most enduring and important idea was that the human psyche has more than one aspect. He saw the psyche structured into three parts (i.e., tripartite), the id, ego, and superego, all developing at different stages in our lives.
The Id
The id consists of all the inherited (i.e., biological) components of personality. The id is the impulsive (and unconscious) part of our psyche which responds directly and immediately to the instincts. The personality of the newborn child is all id and only later does it develop ego and superego. The id demands immediate satisfaction and when this happens, we experience pleasure, when it is denied, we experience ‘unpleasure’ or pain. The id is not affected by reality, logic, or the everyday world.
The ego
According to Freud, the ego is “that part of the id which has been modified by the direct influence of the external world”. The ego develops to mediate between the unrealistic id and the external real world.
Ideally the ego works by reason whereas the id is chaotic and totally unreasonable. The ego operates according to the reality principle, working our realistic ways of satisfying the id’s demands, often compromising or postponing satisfaction. Like the id, the ego seeks pleasure and avoids pain but unlike the id the ego is concerned with devising a realistic strategy to obtain pleasure. Freud made the analogy of the id being the horse while the ego is the rider.
The superego
The superego incorporates the values and morals of society which are learnt from one’s parents and others. It develops around the age of four-five during the phallic stage of psychosexual development.
The superego consists of two systems: The conscience and the ideal self. The conscience can punish the ego through causing feelings of guilt. For example, if the ego gives in to id demands, the superego may make the person feel bad though guilt. The ideal self (or ego-ideal) is an imaginary picture of how you ought to be, and represents career aspirations, how to treat other people, and how to behaviour as a member of society.
Now that we have gone through the details, let’s try to see the parallel. Super-Ego relates more to the Parent ego-state. Ego relates more to the Adult ego-state. Id relates more to the Child ego state. In brief, Super-ego: Ego: Id could be compared to Parent: Adult: Child.
Interpersonal transactions
Perhaps the most important applications of TA come through interpersonal transactions. That is how you interact with someone who is in a similar or a different ego-state. You may communicate either as a Parent, Adult, or a Child. Your partner will also communicate as one of the three states. Then the scenario has nine possible combinations. My Adult might address your Child as an example. Managing such interpersonal transactions could be quite challenging.
TA is effectively a language within a language; a language of true meaning, feeling and motive. It can help you in every situation, firstly through being able to understand more clearly what is going on, and secondly, by virtue of this knowledge, we give ourselves choices of what ego states to adopt, which signals to send, and where to send them. This enables us to make the most of all our communications and therefore create, develop, and maintain better relationships.
Way forward
In essence, when I communicate with another, I need to be aware of my ego-state and the other’s ego-state. One may need two Rs, recognition, and regulation. It is extremely useful to be aware of the current ego-state you are in, with some understanding of your naturally dominant one as well. This is self-recognition.
There are numerous questionnaires and other techniques that help one to find his/her dominant ego-state. Having a deep sense of awareness about it helps one to have meaningful relationships. Next comes the regulation with regard to responding to another’s action, which may appear as a Child or Parent ego-state. One may angrily shout at you and how you should respond to it often requires self-regulation. Sri Lankan managers can equip themselves with TA, to enrich their dealings not only with the team at work but also with the team at home as well.
